Curiosity

My close friend from 40 years ago in Ellicott City communicated about the last line in the first post. I hoped I’d get feedback on that. While everybody was concerned about saving my life and all the risk, I was overwhelmed by what happened just after a couple of days at St. Joseph’s hospital and then UM hospital just before packing and flying to Austin. It wasn’t ‘till I unpacked that life felt strange and wonderful. I had managed to be a successful depressive after decades of strategies of trying to fight it. I’d finally accepted my higher power decided this would be my way for the rest of my life. But NO! As I talked to my Caroline and family I was free of depression just like that! I was stepping out to Oz. I was laughing twice as hard, crying when I remembered a song, finding closure with issues we’ve been avoiding for years. I have forgotten what the opposite of depression would be: Happy, joyful, productive? I didn’t know what to pray for anymore. Just get me out of here, God! Everybody thought that maybe steroids lifted the depression. I quickly came back from the first attack (incoherence, verbal soup, disorientation) on 4/18. But where I did have ideas all the years that interested me, they were always blotted out quickly and led nowhere. Now, they continued and bred another, and bred another. And, I got it that it was curiosity. Suddenly my mind and soul were curious and ready to go, as though a short circuit was removed. Everything was good now. Poems I’ve written in my notebooks of little interests to me were suddenly brighter, better and wanting more. Now friends are asking questions about the transition. I might know the answers eventually. But my strong belief is that ‘God’ did it. And he/she will always be the primary cause of everything for all this life.

Thanks for reading this. Be well and live with your eyes open.